The Midlife Crisis Retreat

No, leather pants on Sundays will be a thing of the past. But you will get an urge to sink into the real Nappa leather* seat of your Volkswagen Passat, and take it for a spin in the country.

There really is no need. We have a state of the art gym with floor to ceiling mirrors where you can sculpt your physique. But trust us, by the end of your treatment you'll be quite happy to swap your v-shaped torso for the v-shaped chrome grille on your Passat.

You sound like a lost cause, but if anyone can cure you we can.

Depends where it is.

There's no "if" about it. We here at the Retreat pride ourselves on a 100% rehabilitation rate. The only fantasies you'll be having at the end of your treatment will be about the performance of your Passat. In particular the powerful R36 engine, that has more torque than the Porsche Boxter.**

I'm afraid we can't answer that. But you will have a lot better chance of being forgiven when you arrive driving a tasteful car like the Volkswagen Passat. We think she'll be particularly impressed with the TDI engine, which offers performance and economy.

Yes, but after repeated viewings you'll learn to hate it, like any normal person.

Probably not, our fences are very small and our door is always open.

Of course. XFM, Kiss, Radio One's Westwood. Every station that is completely unsuitable for men of your age.

Sign up to the retreat immediately. Then when you leave make sure you get a Passat instead. It has the maximum Euro NCAP safety rating, 5 out of 5 stars.